As I sit here about to turn 32, I look back on the promise I made to myself two years ago: do things for me. But to understand that, we need to flashback further.
20 years when NKOTB first entered my life, I was 11 about to turn 12, in sixth grade and was content in my young life. I found my first crushes. To speed the story along, I didn't get to go to their first show in town but during the summer of 1990 I did go to my first show ever: The Magic Summer tour at the Olympic Stadium. Mind you there is not much that can be said as the seats were lousy, the sound was awful, and the car was stolen that night. Still the excitement of my first show just made me happy.
After summer, then came fall and I entered high school (the school systems in Quebec are weird.) And saying that you were a NKOTB fan was the teen version of the bubonic plague. Within the first month I was pegged as a social outcast partially due to my musical tendencies and partially due to my quirks. I was the girl who didn't go out on weekends, asked out or was invited to parties. Instead I was the girl who stayed home, crying in her room and thinking up of excuses to my parents as to why I was at home instead at a bar mitzvah or a trip to the mall. The only thing I had was those 5 guys from Boston and their music to keep me happy but even then they could not fill the void of the lack of friends and love I wanted when I needed it the most. As the high school years slowly got better, my love for my boys never wavered but knew at one point I had to be ready to say goodbye. So when the breakup was announced in June of 1994, I was sad and disappointed, but not devastated. Because I had accepted the reality and had to move on.
My 20s were ok. I wasn't as socially awkward thanks to the Internet and found people who had similar interests as me and enjoying my pop music without shame. During this time I would see the members enter in and exit out of my life: a TV appearance here, a solo concert there, the "high point" being meeting Donnie in 1998 at the film festival here in Montreal when he was here for Southie. "High point" is in quotation marks as...I really don't remember a THING from it. You would think meeting one of your idols would be seared into your memory but maybe because it was so unexpected or there was something "off" about the encounter but I when I try to think about that time, my mind still goes blank. Don't know if I wanted a do over at the time, but I did know that I wished it had gone better.
On December 5th, 2007 I turned 30. I took stock of my life. I did some things that were out of my comfort zone, and was meeting new people, but it felt that something was still missing. It was the fear of holding back....something. What? I don't know. But I knew if I had to move ahead in my life I had to start letting go of my fears. I would do things because I wanted to do them and no one was going to tell me no, only I could say that. And to reaffirm that, I made that as my new year's resolution instead of the old standby "lose weight, but will break it within a month and only to gain more."
When the news first broke that NKOTB were reuniting in late January 2008, I thought it was an early prank that people.com was pulling on me. But for kicks, I visited nkotb.com as I knew it was dormant for a while. What I was greeting was something I had hoped for but never thought would materialize....a new song from my 5 favorite boys who became men. My eyes filled up with tears as I knew this was more than a dream. It was a sign that I was going to stick with the promise I made to myself.
The months waiting for more news were agonizing. I once had this discussion with my dad. "Hey, guess who's reuniting?" "Who?" "NKOTB!" "Including the one that started the fire?" (Hey, at least he got the right boy band, so it's a TINY start.) Watching the Today show on that April morning had me as giddy as when I was a pre-teen waiting for their new video to come on. I remember finding out that Montreal was on the list of initial shows and getting excited...only to realize it was the same day that I was to return home from Vietnam/Singapore and there was the chance that I may miss it. After a lot of negotiation with my dad, we managed to get me an earlier flight home that same day so I wouldn't miss it. The morning I bought my Meet and Greet package for the show I said "Wow, I'm finally going to meet all of them and maybe have a moment with Donnie that I CAN remember." I looked down to my stomach and said "And not like this." (I'll spare you the boring part and say I lost 35 pounds since that day. Nice motivation to have, huh? :) )
By then the official site was online and the original incarnation of the message board was up and running. I met a few local girls that included Marie, Steph, Demi and others. When the original board closed down, we were fortunate enough to have made enough contact to exchange emails and numbers. When some of us met for the first time in July, we just clicked (pardon the pun) to the point where I was ready to take a road trip to a show in Boston with 3 other people that I still didn't really know but felt confident that it wouldn't be an issue soon. With more dinners came more laughs, more bonding time and more "WOW, you were there?" moments.
Leaving for Vietnam with my sister on August 30th, 2008 was bittersweet. It was great because this would be the first time I left the continent. Bad because I would miss out on the excitement on the album release of the Block and all the press that went along with it. It was a bit hard to read messages and see videos of people meeting the guys and I was 1/2 a world away living vicariously through everyone else, at least at that moment. But I also knew my time would come soon enough.
September 20th 2008 was literally the longest day of my life. My flight from Singapore to Montreal via Frankfurt and NYC left at midnight on 09.20 Singapore time and I didn't land home until 3:15 PM local time. Which after dealing with luggage that didn't make the NYC connection, gave me one hour to get home, shower, change, do something with my hair and head back downtown for the meet and greet. With the onset jetlag, I was simply too exhausted to even try to be nervous, I just wanted to make it through the day without passing out!
Because of the flight and the delay with the luggage, I got to the Bell Center later than expected so my brother and I were seperated from my new friends for the photo and I was in the last group. But we still got to hang out, calm each other down and tried to nibble on cheese sticks as we waited for the group to arrive. We were lucky that since we were at the start of the tour, everyone was able to see all groups pass through the MnG line and get their pictures. Being in the last group and watching everyone get their hugs just got me a bit more jumpy and antsy. Finally it was our turn. I had made it to most of the guys except for Donnie who was speaking to another fan before they called for photos. As the rest of the group and fans dispersed, my brother and I made our way over to Donnie. My brother had to make the introduction as he knew I was too tired to make coherent sentences. Donnie opened his arms and we hugged while rocking back and forth (which would not be the last time we would do that.) I thought to myself "This was the moment I was hoping to get 11 years ago and now...it's happening." Mind you with me being me, you know it would take a hilarious left turn somewhere. In this case...(I had to look up what I wrote last year from the ning and copy and paste it!)
At that point, I managed to find my voice and said that was I was scared that the jetlag was going to hit me fast. He said that I should take a 30 minute power nap now because I had to be ready because the show was going to a "f&*!@# blast." I then said that if you see me fall asleep at my seat, I give him full permission to throw a shoe at my head. He pulls out a bottle of water from his jeans pocket, gives it to me and said to drink this to keep from getting dehydrated. He said he was coming out to hang with the crowd and he'll see me in a bit. We hugged one last time and my brother and I went back to the tables. I did take a sip from the bottle before it dawned me that I should be keeping it (because you know....it WAS pretty close to hip bone area!), so I closed it off and stuck it in my bag. (The bottle is now missing. And this would be the first of a series of really random moments with him. Which given my psyche, is perfectly fine. Because who wants normal? And yes I know, sleeping advice from this guy is just funny.)
The energy in the arena was nothing like I ever felt before because there were 12000 people there for the same reason as me: we were meant to be here in this moment to celebrate something most of us secretly wished for. I took in every second as best I could: the opening notes of the overture, the screens lighting up NKOTB, and like the phoenix rising from the ashes in its new form, I saw my men rise to the stage, a little older, a little wiser but ready to shock and awe once more, ready to kick more ass and take more names. And that point on I knew my life would never be the same.
The current tally since the reunion is this: 10 concerts (and 7 Meet and Greets,) 1 Today Show appearance, 1 Cruise (with the second coming months away), 2 Birthday parties, 2 I Got It Parties. But numbers can only mean so much. Within that are countless moments where I pushed myself and tested my personal limits and learned not to be scared. (Also, that I can function on 2 hours of sleep.) That I can fight through whatever fear I have (well, except maybe one...I'll get to that later.)
Sometimes I get the question "You've done a lot. Aren't you spending a lot of money?" or the ever 'popular' "Why so many shows? Let others have their turn" all I can say is "For the first time in a very long time, I'm really happy. I get to be ME without hiding or being someone that I'm not." And I made it through a lot of it with the sisters and a few brothers I have found along the way. They have seen me at my best and my absolute worst like my panic attack before a Meet and Greet and helped me get through it. They're the ones that will always have my back and keep me in check when my ego gets inflated. To the whole lot of you, especially mes soeurs/freres de Montreal and my awesome Northeastern U.S. family, I love you all and thanks for putting up with my zaniness!
I know one day in the future (though hopefully not in the NEAR future), this will once again be over. I don't know how easy it will be to let go of something that has made truly smile. So for now I live for each moment, take any opportunity and enjoy every second that I can. I don't want to be the person that says "I should have but..." I want to be the person that says "I did it." More to the point, my mom has stopped asking me "why aren't you going out with your friends?" and now asks "Ok, which event are you going to this week?" Ok, there is one OTHER question, but I can't say it...kids may be reading this.
To Jordan, Jon, Joe and Danny, thanks for the smiles, laughs, hugs, snark (ok, that's just Joe), good times, great music and memories to last several lifetimes.
To Donnie....that one fear I still have left? It's my inability to tell you what you mean to me in person for whatever reason. You saved me from the person that I was a few years ago. The love that you've given me this past year and accepting me for who I am is something I will never forget. I am beyond blessed that you're in my life and honored that I somehow fit in yours, even if it's for a few minutes. Simply put....I love you and I value your heart. Know that, trust that, remember that.
(Eh. I added the last one because the Zoolander look will never not be cute.)
We were given this second chance...let's embrace this. To 2010 and beyond. And if anyone were to ask you why we're still here doing what we do and loving who we love....
Maria.
